Still Alive or Dead ??

Yeah this is the question of which i am trying to get the answer .....
Lets take Live part of mine in which i go to office,do work,chat with ma friends,family members,do outing and went to places. and now the dead part which due to unwanted and uncontrollable reasons is now dead.
It was 12th aug07 the date when i fall in love for first time, the time when i first experienced the most wonderfull and the most romantic feeling in me. Everything become just like that for me, no goal in ma life seems to bigger,life seems to very easy and very short for me. Every day was coming with new promises and new shine in ma life. For the first time i felt that ma life is just not full of tensions,work,compromoises and adjustment there was something beyond that,something which is mine and felt remian forever.And the reason being i found a girl with whom i can share anything and everything.A girl who loves me despit being long distance,less income,full of responsibilities and despite i smoke and drink.
That day i felt that yes i am also a human being,i do have a heart who have started to beat for somebody.I helped many of ma friends in solving problems and issues coming in this relation but was untouched from this beautiful feeling. And me like other guys and girls started to associate myself with somebody. I felt like somebody has picked me from a store room and gave my feelings a real respect and love.
And it all starts from ma Heaven Nainital where i went to propose her but as i am i forgot to propose her coz i was lost completly in her deep and beautiful eyes,her enchanting talks,her way of holding ma hands and after reaching back to delhi i proposed her on phone and the reply was so cool that may be any of so called Ashiq will have got from there partners and my beautiful days starts...
Every single minute and every single day spent with her like diamonds in a necklace. Her way of saying Hello make me forget every tension whether its of ma office or of ma home. Like other couples we use to talk whole night and chat on gtalk. Whenever she asked that Dinner kar liya kya,Kuch khaya yaa nahin makes me felt that there is somebody who cares about me,who really think about me. Yeh sab karte karte december beet gaya.
And than the fighting period starts and we start fighting with each other on very humorous and insensible issues and everytime i say sorry and again the same issue starts.But in intial days we always manage to patch up the things but than a day comes when she seriously gave me a warning that Sumit agar is baar ladai hui to i will not talk to you and our relation will end here only . For one week it was all good seems like everything is now coming back to normal but than on 11th june 2008 we fought again and at 11 o clock in night we both spoke to each other in common way and after that it was all silent and dead silent................
Initially i thought that everything will be normal Yeh sab to nayi baat nahin hai but when the unusal things starts happening like less and very formal talks,no chats. Life become a burden on me, i start feeling like something has left, i m not 100% sumit there is something missing.....And i kept waiting for her to become normal but the day never come......She went to her friend's home in vacation and i went home for someday thought may be a break will work but i was not aware that this break will going to break many a things in ma life which will never be joined again.When such kind if things happens than there are lot of changes comes in u, in ur thinking and i felt the same. I started to look life in a very different manner woh kehte hain na ki zindagi dekhne ka najariya hi badal gaya. In initial days my mood was like a volcano about to burst.My eyes were always searching for somebody.My inner voice was yelling at me sumit kuch yaar,sumit i cant live without her and i tried , tried a lot but my search ends when i wait for her in nainital and spent 4 hrs in a restaurant and i was completely wet due to continous raining and i was on bike. But afterwards i come to know that she had a leg injury. But look in over a past period i develop such a image of mine that she didnt even reply of ma message.Waisey she did the right thing to me, she left me the person like me must be treated like this only.In starting i tried to know about myself and my heart who i am and what i want. But when i got the answers which were truelly unpractical in this practical world i ends my search there only. And i stopped listening the voice of ma heart specially in this case. And slowly and gradually this part of mine began to die and now its completely dead.But i never make anyone realise about wats going in ma heart...And i disguise myself with a boy who is never meant for a sweet girl. And i started to concentrate myself on studies,career and if there is some time left i spent with ma friends and this is ma alive part.
But for how much time or years i will kept ma heart dead and i am really afraid of it coz i knw myself and i knw my weakness.
So tell me guys is it better to be alive as a dead or is it better to be dead as an aliveT

A trip to ma home

It was 25th oct nite i left for ma home i.e ramnagar a small town located just in footsteps of Jim Corbett National Park to celeberate diwali with ma family. I was on leave for 4 and half day..Gosh i even didnt remember when was the last time i spent so much days in my home.

I was excited as i was about to leave for my hometown u know u become when you are going to meet your parents and especially when you are going to your hometown. But unfortunately that excitement didnt last for long as i was waiting for the bus at I.S.B.T Anand vihar. The buses were coming with people hanging outside. I kept waiting for a bus in which i can easily make my journey but as the time passes by and the last bus to my city was standing in front of me with peoples sitting on the top of the bus and i have to make myself comfortable there only and my heart was completely against it but after few minutes i also become the part of people who had "Adjusted" themselves in the bus.And after few minutes my most chilling journey starts as i got the seat where the chilled air was coming directly towards me and i was trying to keep me warm by keeping my bag in front of me but to add some more spicies in my one of the most adventurous journey we got stuck in a jam near moradabad for more than 6 hrs and i reached home at 8 o clock in the morning.As usual my city was just starting to wake . 

As i reached home i saw the usual scenerio in my home Mom preparing breakfast and my dad was getting dressed up to go office and my brother still lying in bed :) 

After having thoda chit chat with mom n dad i went to sleep which my body badly needs.

It was round about 11 in morning my mom woke me as we have to leave to attend a pooja in my relatives home and as happens always my best friend Aru start calling me "Kahaan hai yaar" "kya kaar raha hai, Abhi tak mmilne nahin aaya shop par hoon jaldi aa" hehehhehehehe..... So after completing pooja and having lunch with my relatives i left for my friend's shop...

( A place which we all commerce batch used to say "Milne ka adda" hhhaaah we use to meet there and after having some chats we all used to leave to take a round of city and everytime me and Aru were left in the last and than we used to go Ringora a place which comes in the territory of Corbett national park and there we use to have tea from a khoka... Gosh those days were awesum.....)

And as happens on every diwali time me and aru were engaged in handling customers for next 4-5 hrs. and after that tiring job we left for Garjiya in nite our fav place to sit and talk as there is complete silence around you. No noise of Cars and traffic....You can listen voice of Wind, rythm sound of Garjiya river and at 11 in nite we left for Greenvalley restaurant where we had dinner and at late 1 am we left for home and as usual my dad and mom was slept so i had bahut saari masti with my small brother and than at 4 - 5 in morning we slept and than next day i was busy in aru's hop and than in decorating my home. 

On Diwali day as happens in typical Hindu family i was busy in purchasing crackers,Pooja ka saman and sweets and than at nite we had pooja and than Aru comes to my home and we went to a place which is my most favourite place on diwali as from there you can see full city and you can enjoy the firework.

Next day me and aru left for a place which we come to know called "Rajaji Ka Mandir" in bhuwan khal a place round abt  50 Kms from ma city. Mandir was at the top of the mountain which was round about 600ft high and we have to go on foot. Gosh it took us 3 hrs to reach there and we were tired like anything but when we reach at the top. The view which we saw truely mesmerised us. we had a small view of a painting of nature from her large collection of Drwaings. Everything was just below us.and that awesum sunset that was so beautiful..Sun was trying to hide behind the long steps of mountains which looks like the ladder to reach heaven....Mountain after mountain and go on. We sat there for 4 hrs ....And than the fog starts to cover us the nature was erasing that painting through rubber and few seconds it was dense fog ...we can even saw each other and than suddenly we realise that we have to go back also though we have to climb down but trust me that was the most dangerous part of our trip.....I escaped many times by keeping my foot on the border of mountain as i cant see anything due to dense fog but we come back and it was 7 in nite....It was time to say bye bye to mesmerising beauty of nature. 

and at 12 in nite i was packing my bags to come back to delhi.

And next morning i was in train coming back to delhi. That was the day when since 2004 i used to go nainital....A place which i say My Heaven as there was ofcourse reason behind that.......

Although it was one of the most adventurous trip but yet very boring trip to my home.