M I Lost ?? Or M I Now on Right Track

When i was in my school time i oftenly like to sit on my school's playground boundry whereby i used to see the the enticing view of mother nature.Tall mountains full of trees seems like they are hiding something beneath them and the river full of white and pure water flowing in the foot of mountain washing all the dirts of mountain and snowcapped mountains behind those mountains making a picture of envelop ....If you see the whole view in one way it looks like nature has sent me a white envelop with green greeting card packed inside.

I like to see this beautiful scene each and everyday and i never get bored of that infact everyday i use to see it from different view and with different meaning and while watching this enchanting beauty i used to asked myself a Question "WHAT DOES THIS LIFE MEANS ?" "WHY I AM IN THIS WORLD?" "AM I HERE TO JUST ENGULF MYSELF IN THIS MATERIALISTIC WORLD LIKE MOST OF THIS PEOPLE DO ?" Am i here to just grow up in a cement building which we say School where we learn the first lesson of life and then lost my self in the crowd of people who are just running for something but they even dont know why they are running . I asked few of them and the answers were different but the meaning were same...Some says that they are running because they want to live a rich and prosperous life ...Some says that they want to live a satisfied life.

And when they asked me the same question , I have no answer for that , I was silent and frozen like a river or a place where no one comes but i know that beneath that river or place there was a fight going , a volcano preparing to burst..

I am a Piscean and like the piscean symbol my heart and my goals are against each other.

My one part like to go in parties,chat with friends and like to live in this materialistic world but my another part like to go places where no one comes like to know the answers of many questions, hates materialistic world,like to remain simple.

My these thoughts are those grown trees , the seeds of which were planted when i was young but at that time i always neglected my these feelings because i felt that these are nothing more than just an outcome of some fantasy movies or fiction books i read that time.

And my materialistic heart took control of my mind and i like other people start running for that" SOMETHING".I had an affair , I am in a reputed position in a company and my family is happy with me.But then suddenly i got a book which seems like i had found something old but a mystical thing and i start reading it and as more as my index fingure start turning the pages something deep inside of me start comingout and this was the time my other part starts to awake And i started to feel the main character of the book (Julian) as myself. Right now i am on 30th page of the book but my inner heart starts to push me towards something, Something wher e my materialistic heart dont wanna go .

While reading that book i noticed a very minor but noticable changes in me. My vision and my way towards life is now changing. It seems like i have a thirst to know something and a quest . And i am not able to get the answers yet. Even i do not the way or path which will lead me to that answers. Yesterday i was not able to concentrate myself in my work while i was in office. I was sitting in my cabin. And my lappy was just in front of me. Me inspite of checking reports and other official things start looking for something in Google,Yahoo,MSN. The whole day i was in search .. I didnt talked to anyone in office even though i forgot to take my lunch also. I switched off my mobile and scheduled all my meetings for monday.So that i should not be disturbed and when i first saw my watch after having a deep dive into the ocean of search it was 9 o clock in the night. The whole day was gone and i was still a guy who is walking and walking and walking.

The whole night i was thinking about the same. At first i thought that i should first complete my book but i am afraid , i am afraid of what next is going to come, i am afraid that may be i am going in a middle of a war and i am afraid of loosing my self in deep somewhere.

I dont know where i am going or where will i end up but i am definite about one thing i.e My needs are different from What i want.

But i dont know where i am going to get satisfation level From my need or From my Wants???