A Journey of Ma life till 2day

!!! This is it !!!!

2011-04-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

Who we are ? Yes i am talking about "WE" as human specie. what are we doing in this world ? Everyday i read about new technology, innovations, human reaching moon or touching depth of marine trench and side by side also read about murders, honor killings, rapes, animal extinctions, global warming, mass destruction and we say " We are developing, creating" Really ? Are we ?

These days i found a very interesting bunch of friends who highlight stupidity which we as human often do. So from there i started to realize that in some or other way i am also a part of that stupidity wherein i on the one hand speak about liberalization on the other hand i disagree with the point "one night stand". So i asked myself "why is this happening ?" what is the source of my thinking, belief or faith? And i zeroed it to my culture, religion, country and life style.

So my point is who are those who set bars that this is right or this is wrong , this thing we should follow and that don't? Why we shouldn't be the one who take charge of there life ? Why we always are just Followers ?

The day we start questioning our self will be the day we actually "innovate or develop our self". Few months back there was a campaign which was started by WWF to save Tigers. The slogans were everywhere " Save Tigers" and when i saw them i couldn't resist myself from laughing. Because we are so fool that we can see that tigers are endangered but we cant see that how much humanity is in danger. Didn't agree ? OK tell me how many of us will come forward to save a life of a man who's body is lying in roadside by skipping our office or friend's party or a date with your girlfriend ? Just think and you will come to know how much in endangered we are.

I think that this is the time we should stop our self for a minute and think what are we doing ? What is the purpose of our life ? What is the point behind being the most advanced specy of earth when we can not take care of our self, of other living species on this planet ? This is it if we didn't do anything now than we can not save our self from being extinct. we definitely will be living but like zombies whos only agenda is to survive no matter how.

All we have to do is just take a step forward and yes than it will actually be a small step for a human but it will be a giant leap for mankind

!!!!!!So its me back again !!!!!

2009-10-06T00:46:00.001-07:00

After three months of exile from my (Not So Personal Diary).

Few of my friends raised questions for my blog and the feelings which I am expressing in form of words in it and my motive behind it. And my answer was what if I am sharing my very personal feelings with one whom I never saw or will never meet in my life. This blogs remove my hesitation to show my actual feelings. I know its not going to affect anybody’s life but yes it effects mine.

So leaving this topic or aka regular topics here only. I start writing for what I am here.

Even after completely changed my whole life routine I am still finding difficulty in coming out of my paranoid creating by myself only (coz I don’t want to blame anybody). I have completed my book and like other books it also end up with showing the same way of spiritual path which I think is not appropriate for a person of age group of 22 yrs.

In last two months I have stopped listening voice of my heart which was taking me to some other path , a path which is totally unknown to me and also don’t know where will it take.

But since September i was dragged to my those old feelings back. My materialistic part don’t want to go but I think that this time its my real heart which overpowered my other part and I am back.

I am like a person who is just trapped in a war between my responsibilities and my own problems. I don’t know which way to go.

Previously I thought that it is due to my hectic work pressure which is overpowering my life and so I took a 7 day off from my routine my life and gave time to myself but it didn’t work . Now I am sure that it is not just a result of some work pressure but it is something else. I don’t know what it is going but yeah it is something which if not cured on time is going to take me away from me.

I know it was really a very confusing posting from my side but what can I do I myself has become more complicated than a riddle.

M I Lost ?? Or M I Now on Right Track

2009-05-31T00:09:00.000-07:00

When i was in my school time i oftenly like to sit on my school's playground boundry whereby i used to see the the enticing view of mother nature.Tall mountains full of trees seems like they are hiding something beneath them and the river full of white and pure water flowing in the foot of mountain washing all the dirts of mountain and snowcapped mountains behind those mountains making a picture of envelop ....If you see the whole view in one way it looks like nature has sent me a white envelop with green greeting card packed inside.

I like to see this beautiful scene each and everyday and i never get bored of that infact everyday i use to see it from different view and with different meaning and while watching this enchanting beauty i used to asked myself a Question "WHAT DOES THIS LIFE MEANS ?" "WHY I AM IN THIS WORLD?" "AM I HERE TO JUST ENGULF MYSELF IN THIS MATERIALISTIC WORLD LIKE MOST OF THIS PEOPLE DO ?" Am i here to just grow up in a cement building which we say School where we learn the first lesson of life and then lost my self in the crowd of people who are just running for something but they even dont know why they are running . I asked few of them and the answers were different but the meaning were same...Some says that they are running because they want to live a rich and prosperous life ...Some says that they want to live a satisfied life.

And when they asked me the same question , I have no answer for that , I was silent and frozen like a river or a place where no one comes but i know that beneath that river or place there was a fight going , a volcano preparing to burst..

I am a Piscean and like the piscean symbol my heart and my goals are against each other.

My one part like to go in parties,chat with friends and like to live in this materialistic world but my another part like to go places where no one comes like to know the answers of many questions, hates materialistic world,like to remain simple.

My these thoughts are those grown trees , the seeds of which were planted when i was young but at that time i always neglected my these feelings because i felt that these are nothing more than just an outcome of some fantasy movies or fiction books i read that time.

And my materialistic heart took control of my mind and i like other people start running for that" SOMETHING".I had an affair , I am in a reputed position in a company and my family is happy with me.But then suddenly i got a book which seems like i had found something old but a mystical thing and i start reading it and as more as my index fingure start turning the pages something deep inside of me start comingout and this was the time my other part starts to awake And i started to feel the main character of the book (Julian) as myself. Right now i am on 30th page of the book but my inner heart starts to push me towards something, Something wher e my materialistic heart dont wanna go .

While reading that book i noticed a very minor but noticable changes in me. My vision and my way towards life is now changing. It seems like i have a thirst to know something and a quest . And i am not able to get the answers yet. Even i do not the way or path which will lead me to that answers. Yesterday i was not able to concentrate myself in my work while i was in office. I was sitting in my cabin. And my lappy was just in front of me. Me inspite of checking reports and other official things start looking for something in Google,Yahoo,MSN. The whole day i was in search .. I didnt talked to anyone in office even though i forgot to take my lunch also. I switched off my mobile and scheduled all my meetings for monday.So that i should not be disturbed and when i first saw my watch after having a deep dive into the ocean of search it was 9 o clock in the night. The whole day was gone and i was still a guy who is walking and walking and walking.

The whole night i was thinking about the same. At first i thought that i should first complete my book but i am afraid , i am afraid of what next is going to come, i am afraid that may be i am going in a middle of a war and i am afraid of loosing my self in deep somewhere.

I dont know where i am going or where will i end up but i am definite about one thing i.e My needs are different from What i want.

But i dont know where i am going to get satisfation level From my need or From my Wants???

Event of the month - Delhi Indiblogger meet

2009-04-19T01:57:00.000-07:00

Well guys yeah i know i am very late in posting this post may be the last one to sit in bloggers posting the post on indiblogger meet.It was 04 th april, meet was scheduled in Microsoft office Gurgaon. Initially i was little bit nervous (truely I was) coz i was never been to such kind of meet. Though i am very active in making presentaions and making friends but this thing was little different and also there were masters sitting out there,Google guys,Miscrosoft representatives,The famous blogger and the owner of Delhi blogger community Twilight Fariy,some Advocates,and some big big whoosh from different companies.Though i got a company of one of my friend and as the lift sounds tinggg i knew i am at 9th floor . But as soon as put my keg out of the life and after seeing a relax enviro at recepetion i assembled myself
and put my socialize and fundoo sumit in from of me and here i began :) , After filling a small details in a form we got a warm welcum from Mr. Anoop owner of indiblogger and than the things started we all were sitting in the presentation hall of microsoft office . We started with initiall intro by indi blogger team and than they told us How indiblogger came into existence.

Let me tell u in brief there were 4 guys from Banglore already working in some firm one fatefull night they all were drinking and suddenly they started
thinking abt a project which we now call indiblogger.

People says Drinking wastes one life but trust me guys great ideas comes wen we are out :) . And example is in front of u . Say 3 cheers to Old Monk :)

Ok bak to story....

And after that they started One Minute fame in which all bloggers need to introduce himself as what he do and on which kind of topics we generally blog
We were given sheet in which Names of bloggers were written in seriol wise along with there blog mentioned. I dont know y may be due to priniting mistake
the name of an old man sitting in the last was mentioned in capital so when his turns come , he started that my name is this and i blog about this and suddenly
he says I AM NOT WANTED and everbody turns there head towards him. He then explains tha only his name is written in Capital letters.He write about generation gap
and mostly examples are ofhis own child. He told us many a things in such A humorus way that we all were laughing and laughing very loudly.We dont want him to stop
but he has to :( and that made him the main personality of the day.

Than we played a very strange game in which we all were given a chart which was tied with our back and each person has to write something abt that person the activity was
The activity was cool enoughand gave achance to all bloggers to communicate with each other. After that we had a small drink session which consist of hot sand cold dronks
but only soft drink :(.

Than started a presentaion which was very long and bored enough that makes the whole meet boring. Me and my friend left that session and come out of the room and had a chit chat with other
bloggers at main lobby . There i had a brief conversation with owner of indiblogger and he wasked me to meet him and his team once the session is over.Then there was a presentation from miscrosoft
guys whi has luanched I.E 8 which normally speaking had features which we find in Mozilla or chrome.

As i need ot leave for office as there was a meeting scheduled so i got lift from a blogger :)

But before that i had a good conversartion with indiblogger team. It was quite a very good meet and a very appreciable step taken by indiblogger team to spread awareness
among bloggers.

But one thing which i was missing in whole meet was social communication. As blogging is a part of social media but there everybody was trying to promote there business or there blog

I think we should understand that there is a difference between Self promotion and Spamming :)

Expect the Unexpected

2009-03-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

It happens many a time that we expect something and it didnt turn out well. And in hope of something is better than nothing we expect as the things comes.Quite confused ???

As the what the hell i want to say ?

So here is the cover story.

It happens many a time with us that we want to forget something but that thing in any form, comes in front of us.Since past few days its happening with me also and that thing is LOVE.

Yeah again love has knocked my heart's door.

I was trying harder to forget my past and to start my life. And i was getting success too. I have kept myself busy in office work (trust me guys there is hell lot of work out there) , friends,home and my career.And the first sign of my resurrection was HOLI . After a long time i enjoyed a lot and had full masti and fun with my friends in my hometown . Life seems to be easy and wonderfull again as i was getting back to normal track and most importantly my friemds are there with me.
But i think happiness is not written in my destiny.Last week a girl proposed me though its seems quite normal as i am living in a metro city and have interactions with girls but sometimes normal things becomes abnormal.
It was round abt 12 in night on sunday a girl i know just few days back called me and said some romantic dialogues and proposed me. Within seconds my past was in front of me and my all memories which i was trying to clear from my mind become fresh and i disconnected the phone. I was hell out of mind.

I got some gifts which my gf gave me before, i put them out of cartan and start looking at them, those hand made cards,lovey slips,some gifts hah everything was again in my mind. And i was lost in my past and when i come out of it, it was already 7 in the morning and i have to get ready for my office. The whole way i was thinking what should i do ??? Should i say yes or should is say no. My brain was telling me that Sumit Kab tak tu apne past me ulza rahega, one day you have to bring some other girl in your life but my heart was saying How can you bring somebody else in your life. My heart was not at all ready to accept a new girl in my life at least not so early.So i decided to keep this topic here only and decided think about it once i am out of the office.

The whole day i was busy in office work (you know monday blues) and while coming back to home in whole way i was thinking the same matter. Than that girl again called me and i decided to meet her.We met at Ansal Plaza and while we were walking she hold my hand. And that was the turning point of the whole matter.And i got my answer.........

No - Yepp that was my answer. Why ????

Because when she hold my hand it remind of my past affair, the same thing happen on that day too.

(I was in nainital, on that day we were walking at Thandi sadak and while walking she hold my hand, it gives me a feeling of trust and love and i decided that yes she is the only gal with whom i want to spend my whole life.)

But in this caseI drove my hand and i said to her that look gal i cant, i cant go with you in this relation as you remind of my past and i will not be able to give you that love,care and affection which you are expecting from me Coz i still love my ex GF.

Trust me friends while i was in ansal plaza, i realise that my heart is completely dead and as cold as ice like there was no feelings left in me.

I told her about my past and i said that i am not the right man for you. Coz i know myself and i was pritty aware of the fact that i cant spend even a single second with her .The way she was holding my hand,the way she was putting her hand on my shoulder and the way she tried to hug me.....i was not feeling comfortable at all and i talk to her very rudely (for which i said sorry later) but really it turns me off.

I was thinking why life plays all these games with us ??? You cant live with one whom you love and with whom you feel happy and comfortable and when a man is trying to stabelise himself why these kind of things happen again and again.

Life never gave us what we want,what we desire it just gave us things which we totally unexpect sometimes it looks like there is a kind of bowl kept in the hand of life with lot of slips and that slips will decide what our future will be.

Guys really i think may be my heart is now dead or the wound is still fresh.........

February 2009

2009-03-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

Change is the only constant thing in this world

Though its a very common and famous proverb but now i came to know about the true meaning of this proverb.

FEBRUARY 2009 , a month which revamped my life.

First change - One of my best friend got his dreamgirl and now they are married and with this our fate changes a lot because now we know there may be anyday on which we are going to get aparted as her wife will be coming to Delhi to live with him and our whole gang is about to split. A 3 year era of fun,bachelor life,night out is about to end.Although i am happy for his new life and wishes him all the best but sad too because we will no more be together.As it happens everytime with me i am always left alone but no issues its a part of life and i have to accept and live it :) .But we really had fun in his marriage as his marriage was in Bikaner and i was pritty excited as i was going to Bikaner (got new city to explore). His marriage was on 14th Feb and i left for bikaner via jaipur on 13th night.Though it was a tiring 13 hr journey but i really enjoyed it. My first destination was Jaipur from where i have to take another Bus. Delhi - Jaipur was quite sleepy and comfortable journey and 14 th Feb 5 Am i was in Jaipur. I got ticket for bikaner but bus had to leave at 7 Am. So i had 2 hrs and had nothing to do .So i decided to have a quick view of my old memories of Jaipur and i hired an auto and went to GIT , a college in Old jaipur and than to Gaurav tower the famous Hang out place in Delhi. I spent 1/2 hr in GT and sitting there i was remembering my old and beautiful days just like we clear the dust from old things which we keet in store rooms.Well the journey needs to be continued and it was already 6:30 so i need to come back to Bus Stop to catch the bus and at 07 :15 i left for bikaner. It was completely a new journey for me and as it was the first bus of the day there were only 4 - 5 passengers sitting in the bus and i started to feel bore so i decided to chat with the bus driver and i started to ask about Rajasthani culture and than he started to tell me whole lot of things about Rajasthan and the places to visit in Bikaner which oftenly tourist ignore.And i was so lost in his Rajasthani Sagas and folk songs that i even didnt come to know when we reach Bikaner and at 1 in noon i was in bikaner waiting for my friends to pick me, and the whole day was spent with other roomies in work,chatting,introductions with other family members,dancing.One thing which i liked about Rajasthani culture was there Hospitalilty, I had seen other cultures like Buddhist,Bengali,Bihari,Punjabi,Pahari but i was mesmerized by the Rajasthani culture and it becomes my hot favourite culture.As i was not there for more days so i was not able to see tourist places of Bikaner but i know that i will be going again to had full inning :) and with this confidence i was back on 16th morning to delhi.

Second Change - I left my old company Vangelz Technologies where i was working since December 05 . Really it was very hard for me to quit this company as i got almost every friends,best friend from this company. This was my second company where i worked in Delhi and my first company where i spent so much time. I still remember my first day in this company :) the very first day i worked for 13 hrs as there was enormous amount of work to do and this continues till 2 months but slowly and gradually things settle down. It was normal 9 hrs shift which was never made for me . In my whole 3.3 year of my career in this company i barely spent 6 months going home on time. but it was fun, my seniors were very supporting, my colleagues were very friendly and slowly we developed a homely enviornment in our team. We used to have night outs together, we used to spend weekends together and had trips to many places like Rishikesh etc. It was a life time experience but on 6th March it came to end as it was my last day. The whole day was spent in meeting with my colleagues and than got a very cool and unexpected farewell from my team. I never thought to leave this company but sometimes u need to move and same done by me.

Seems like Life is starting again New company, new friends but this time i know i have some friends which will remain with me no matter i am in this company or in other :) .

Rebirth

2009-02-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

Now as i have cross all the limits to kill myself and to quit and at the end of the day i am still alive. I have now seriously thought about myself and have made a promise to myself that if i have to live myself than i am not going to live a miserable and a looser life but to fight and will live a winner life no matter what i have to do. I will now achieve all the objectives which i have decided with no matter what happens.

First thing which already done is- left drinking and smoking and have made a promise that no matter what happens i will never let these two evils to come again in my life.

I have choosen my goal infact goals and can see the road to reach my goals.

When i was in School time i used to be a goal keeper in my team and my technique to stop the ball was just let the opponent come nearer to my goal and just give a lightening dive to the ball.

Now the same thing i am gonna do the same thing in my life. If there is a problem coming towards me and then let it come and i will prepare myself with all solutions and will give no chance the problem to escape or to overcome my thinking and thoughts.

Now i am not gonna surrender myself to any situation just like that but will hit back and hit hard.

Let see how much i will get success.

Its still a long way to go

Midnight to Sun

2009-01-26T12:58:00.000-08:00

Hey all..

I Sumit Sharma hereby declare that I am committing suicide and i am wholely and solely responsible for my death.

I have nothing to give to this world..neither my parents who gave me birth and made me so strong that i can make my own destiny nor my friends who gave me support and trust that i can do it.I am really sorry to my Dad whom i love so much and for whom i want to become a successful man.

So by surrendering my life to death i hereby declare myself a coward and looser. I love you all and especially that gal who brings a light in my life but everything seems fake to me.I am really sorry Dad,mom and all loved ones.I will always luv u ......

This is the letter which i wrote on saturday night and i was about to commit suicide by cutting my hand nerves.And slowly a dark line of blood starts coming out of my hand.

but after sometime dnt knw what happen Blood stops coming out of my hand.And i was unconscious for almost 2 hours.

When i woke up I cleared all the blood which was spilled on the floor and put my head below shower and i was again drowned in the dark.I felt that i am about to die.And i messaged all my closed ones thinking that it will be my last message but seems like neither hell nor heaven wants me in.

So i tried one more time but didnt worked. Due to bleeding and weakness i was not able to keep my self awake

At 6:30 in morning looks like somebody pulled me off and my eyes were open.As my friends were ringing Doorbell as they were back from there homes.So i cleared all the things and open the door and went for sleep.

Today whole day i was like completely lost in me, I was just thinking and thinking that what i tried last nite was correct or not, obviously it was not correct but last night i was so affected by negative vibes that i was not able to decide what is wrong and what is right.

I always says to my friends that I am scared of being Lonely and they always asked me a question Sumit what is the thing that always make you scared when you are alone ??? Now i know the answer Its ME of whom i am scared of.......

There are lot of things which you dont want to do but yo have to. This is same with me I dont want to live but i have to.My friends says That one day everything will be alright even i know but i dont what will be that particular stage at which i will feel that yes now everything is alright.

Everyday in itself is a new world sometimes it look like our whole life is of one day only. You start your day with a fresh mind and ends up with some plans for tommorrow but when you up next it seems that whole world is turned. You cant relate even a single thing from yesterday.

I am fed up, Fed up of doing same thing whole life, Struggling,fighting,Smiling,crying,laughing.
Are we here to do these things only?? are we so meaningless that we are a part of rat race just running and running dont know where we are going. Fighting for income,struggling for career,Smiling for loved ones.Thats it???? Is this life.

There are whole lot of questions of which i want to know the answers ....So i decided not die now Atleast till the time i didnt come to know the real meaning of life.

I am alive

Am I Drunk or Am I speaking truth today ????

2009-01-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

First of all HAppy new year to all of u ...May this year brings u happiness and joy in ur life ......

But me ??? I dnt knw wats going to happen this year with me wats this year has bring for me ....But last year i really lost ma most precious thing .......thats ma life ..ma luv ....ma everything

Perhaps i m luking forward for this year coz till i m alive i have to struggle and i even cant end ma life coz its not me its of ma family .....I m really fed up of ma life its just like a machine which has been designed to perform a special task and till that machine is working it has to perform that work only ......I think that we are just like pupet which acts as its creator wants it to act.....

However after ma last post there were lot of things happened in ma life which realy shooked base of thinking....
Firstly one of ma gud frend and a very gud person says bye to this world leaving us and especially her boyfriend screaming and crying bside her deadbody but this accident bring all school friend closer and i went to Pantnagar to meet ma one of best friend Suraj....I went to his university were after changing ma clothes and having some rest left for nainital just to realise our passes friend that werever u r live happily and we are also happy....that was the first time in ma life time i spent a night in ma heaven (Nainital) which i was dreaming since ages.....Really trust me guys Nainital is more beautiful in night than in day...I was very happy that i am in nainital with one of ma best friend ...First of all we searched for a hotel were we can spend night and than after vigorous 2 hr search we found an hotel which was in our budjet and comfortable and as it was already half past 9 , half od nainital went to sleep...We both than searched a gud restaurant were we ccan feed our hungry stomach and den after we went for a loooong night walk ...And at 11 in nite we sat at a bench near by naini lake and talk abt pur rezenderous school time and abt our future ...On that night i for the first time saw shooting star and dat tooo 13 and we both make wish (that is secret i cant write here) and at 2 in nite we came bak to hotel but that receptionist didnt open the door for 1 hr and we were screaming outside like anything . at aroung 5 in morning we went to sleep and at 12 noon we were in bus coming bak to Pantnagar and after 12 hrs i was in Delhi sleeping hard....:D

Other days were as usual office to home and home to office and than come 31st Dec which was ma most bad night i ever spent inma whole ...Well i dontr wnt to discuss abt that...

Tonight i have done a thing which i have never imagined.....I nsged ma exgalfriend and i apologise for each and every mistake i have made ....And i really wish that werever and with whomsovere she lives just live happily and peacefully ......Wish i could give ma life to her...Wish i could be her Life partner but Wishes never comes true but i really pray to God that please give her a good life and a Good Guy.........

Still Alive or Dead ??

2008-11-25T10:03:00.000-08:00

Yeah this is the question of which i am trying to get the answer .....
Lets take Live part of mine in which i go to office,do work,chat with ma friends,family members,do outing and went to places. and now the dead part which due to unwanted and uncontrollable reasons is now dead.
It was 12th aug07 the date when i fall in love for first time, the time when i first experienced the most wonderfull and the most romantic feeling in me. Everything become just like that for me, no goal in ma life seems to bigger,life seems to very easy and very short for me. Every day was coming with new promises and new shine in ma life. For the first time i felt that ma life is just not full of tensions,work,compromoises and adjustment there was something beyond that,something which is mine and felt remian forever.And the reason being i found a girl with whom i can share anything and everything.A girl who loves me despit being long distance,less income,full of responsibilities and despite i smoke and drink.
That day i felt that yes i am also a human being,i do have a heart who have started to beat for somebody.I helped many of ma friends in solving problems and issues coming in this relation but was untouched from this beautiful feeling. And me like other guys and girls started to associate myself with somebody. I felt like somebody has picked me from a store room and gave my feelings a real respect and love.
And it all starts from ma Heaven Nainital where i went to propose her but as i am i forgot to propose her coz i was lost completly in her deep and beautiful eyes,her enchanting talks,her way of holding ma hands and after reaching back to delhi i proposed her on phone and the reply was so cool that may be any of so called Ashiq will have got from there partners and my beautiful days starts...
Every single minute and every single day spent with her like diamonds in a necklace. Her way of saying Hello make me forget every tension whether its of ma office or of ma home. Like other couples we use to talk whole night and chat on gtalk. Whenever she asked that Dinner kar liya kya,Kuch khaya yaa nahin makes me felt that there is somebody who cares about me,who really think about me. Yeh sab karte karte december beet gaya.
And than the fighting period starts and we start fighting with each other on very humorous and insensible issues and everytime i say sorry and again the same issue starts.But in intial days we always manage to patch up the things but than a day comes when she seriously gave me a warning that Sumit agar is baar ladai hui to i will not talk to you and our relation will end here only . For one week it was all good seems like everything is now coming back to normal but than on 11th june 2008 we fought again and at 11 o clock in night we both spoke to each other in common way and after that it was all silent and dead silent................
Initially i thought that everything will be normal Yeh sab to nayi baat nahin hai but when the unusal things starts happening like less and very formal talks,no chats. Life become a burden on me, i start feeling like something has left, i m not 100% sumit there is something missing.....And i kept waiting for her to become normal but the day never come......She went to her friend's home in vacation and i went home for someday thought may be a break will work but i was not aware that this break will going to break many a things in ma life which will never be joined again.When such kind if things happens than there are lot of changes comes in u, in ur thinking and i felt the same. I started to look life in a very different manner woh kehte hain na ki zindagi dekhne ka najariya hi badal gaya. In initial days my mood was like a volcano about to burst.My eyes were always searching for somebody.My inner voice was yelling at me sumit kuch yaar,sumit i cant live without her and i tried , tried a lot but my search ends when i wait for her in nainital and spent 4 hrs in a restaurant and i was completely wet due to continous raining and i was on bike. But afterwards i come to know that she had a leg injury. But look in over a past period i develop such a image of mine that she didnt even reply of ma message.Waisey she did the right thing to me, she left me the person like me must be treated like this only.In starting i tried to know about myself and my heart who i am and what i want. But when i got the answers which were truelly unpractical in this practical world i ends my search there only. And i stopped listening the voice of ma heart specially in this case. And slowly and gradually this part of mine began to die and now its completely dead.But i never make anyone realise about wats going in ma heart...And i disguise myself with a boy who is never meant for a sweet girl. And i started to concentrate myself on studies,career and if there is some time left i spent with ma friends and this is ma alive part.
But for how much time or years i will kept ma heart dead and i am really afraid of it coz i knw myself and i knw my weakness.
So tell me guys is it better to be alive as a dead or is it better to be dead as an aliveT

A trip to ma home

2008-11-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

It was 25th oct nite i left for ma home i.e ramnagar a small town located just in footsteps of Jim Corbett National Park to celeberate diwali with ma family. I was on leave for 4 and half day..Gosh i even didnt remember when was the last time i spent so much days in my home.

I was excited as i was about to leave for my hometown u know u become when you are going to meet your parents and especially when you are going to your hometown. But unfortunately that excitement didnt last for long as i was waiting for the bus at I.S.B.T Anand vihar. The buses were coming with people hanging outside. I kept waiting for a bus in which i can easily make my journey but as the time passes by and the last bus to my city was standing in front of me with peoples sitting on the top of the bus and i have to make myself comfortable there only and my heart was completely against it but after few minutes i also become the part of people who had "Adjusted" themselves in the bus.And after few minutes my most chilling journey starts as i got the seat where the chilled air was coming directly towards me and i was trying to keep me warm by keeping my bag in front of me but to add some more spicies in my one of the most adventurous journey we got stuck in a jam near moradabad for more than 6 hrs and i reached home at 8 o clock in the morning.As usual my city was just starting to wake .

As i reached home i saw the usual scenerio in my home Mom preparing breakfast and my dad was getting dressed up to go office and my brother still lying in bed :)

After having thoda chit chat with mom n dad i went to sleep which my body badly needs.

It was round about 11 in morning my mom woke me as we have to leave to attend a pooja in my relatives home and as happens always my best friend Aru start calling me "Kahaan hai yaar" "kya kaar raha hai, Abhi tak mmilne nahin aaya shop par hoon jaldi aa" hehehhehehehe..... So after completing pooja and having lunch with my relatives i left for my friend's shop...

( A place which we all commerce batch used to say "Milne ka adda" hhhaaah we use to meet there and after having some chats we all used to leave to take a round of city and everytime me and Aru were left in the last and than we used to go Ringora a place which comes in the territory of Corbett national park and there we use to have tea from a khoka... Gosh those days were awesum.....)

And as happens on every diwali time me and aru were engaged in handling customers for next 4-5 hrs. and after that tiring job we left for Garjiya in nite our fav place to sit and talk as there is complete silence around you. No noise of Cars and traffic....You can listen voice of Wind, rythm sound of Garjiya river and at 11 in nite we left for Greenvalley restaurant where we had dinner and at late 1 am we left for home and as usual my dad and mom was slept so i had bahut saari masti with my small brother and than at 4 - 5 in morning we slept and than next day i was busy in aru's hop and than in decorating my home.

On Diwali day as happens in typical Hindu family i was busy in purchasing crackers,Pooja ka saman and sweets and than at nite we had pooja and than Aru comes to my home and we went to a place which is my most favourite place on diwali as from there you can see full city and you can enjoy the firework.

Next day me and aru left for a place which we come to know called "Rajaji Ka Mandir" in bhuwan khal a place round abt 50 Kms from ma city. Mandir was at the top of the mountain which was round about 600ft high and we have to go on foot. Gosh it took us 3 hrs to reach there and we were tired like anything but when we reach at the top. The view which we saw truely mesmerised us. we had a small view of a painting of nature from her large collection of Drwaings. Everything was just below us.and that awesum sunset that was so beautiful..Sun was trying to hide behind the long steps of mountains which looks like the ladder to reach heaven....Mountain after mountain and go on. We sat there for 4 hrs ....And than the fog starts to cover us the nature was erasing that painting through rubber and few seconds it was dense fog ...we can even saw each other and than suddenly we realise that we have to go back also though we have to climb down but trust me that was the most dangerous part of our trip.....I escaped many times by keeping my foot on the border of mountain as i cant see anything due to dense fog but we come back and it was 7 in nite....It was time to say bye bye to mesmerising beauty of nature.

and at 12 in nite i was packing my bags to come back to delhi.

And next morning i was in train coming back to delhi. That was the day when since 2004 i used to go nainital....A place which i say My Heaven as there was ofcourse reason behind that.......

Although it was one of the most adventurous trip but yet very boring trip to my home.

why you are doing?What you have done?Who you are?Where you have to go ?

2008-10-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

Today i am feeling really miserable and depressed by the things going on in life. Sometimes i think just to leave everything and run away.....away from this world,away from my present and future....away from the fight going inside my heart.....Just want to forget everything...want to just finish myself leaving everything aside.

Sometimes you feel so helpless,so lonely,so hollow that you didnt find the way to come out of the blow of depression.People says problem doesnt come from anywhere else...It generates from yourself only and you are the only one who can solve.If this is so what friends,girelfriend,wife has a role in your life?????why somebody just come in your life and started sharing your happiness and sorrow and one day when you become habituated of that support,of that shoulder....just vanished, just disappeared.

Everytime when i thought that now things are going right,things are getting better, and than suddenly a blow comes and everything just shattered away and again i have to start from the very first begining.

Once while going to nainital on bike, i stop at a place where i saw a child who was trying to collect all the fallen leaves at a place and after few minutes cars or bikes or trucks comes and rolls over it and all the leaves were again shattered on road, each and everytime he finish the work , the leaves again sarts falling here and there

I am like that kid who tries to give his life a path and everything starts settelling down and than suddenly a blow comes and everything is just gone.And again i have to start from ground zero.

My Dad always says that this is life. Life is a struggle you have to struggle at each and every part, than does it mean that i cant live a settle and peacefull life?

Everytime i have to face challenges,Sometimes in monetary terms and sometimes in emotional terms.

How will you feel when you are unable to attend marriage of the person whom you respect the most because you dont have money in your pocket??

How will you feel when a person whom you love the most,trusted the most leave you in the middle of the life??

You cant do anything except crying in a dark room or just trying to get rid off....You cant do anything.....You cant....

When you get happiness,joy ,sucess and you want to share it and you find nobody else standing bside you, to whom you can hug and tell how happy you are today, Sometimes you feel low and want to hide yourself in someone, you want somebody whom you can hold and just say i dont wanna leave you and there is nobody to answer, than you realise for whom you are doing all these things,Why you are doing extra work, "Just for money" it can be but just look inside yourself and than ask the same question, i m sure you will find a different answer.And please do let me know your answer.....

And than tell why you are doing?What you have done?Who you are?Where you have to go ?

A mix trip

2008-10-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

Confused ????

Lemme tell u .......It was round about 2 months since i have not went for any trip and my body was getting tired due to long working hours in office and living the fast life of national capital.....so decided to give a break to this hectic professional life......but the question was where to go ?????as i was having only 2 days (office was off on saturday).....So with some of ma office frenz i pack my bag and left for Haridwar and rishikesh........We left delhi at 1 in nite courtsey goes to our car :( but sooner or later we started our journey and me my 2nd journey with my office frenz.......The starting was all blast as we were cutting jokes and the driver was telling us kissey about his driving life.......Ek baar na sahab main wahaan gaya tha........and all that :P

But as the time pass by we started feeling bored and sleepy so decided to stop at Dhaaba and to have tea.....As the tea goes in our sleep was went far away and than starts our photo session.....me all lost in masti and fun was giving ulte seedhe poses and yuk wat the photo they were.....i litrally regret about my that activity.....than our car again started running on the bad tracks of national highway, it was really very difficult to make ourself believe that a road which is more smaller than our colony roads are actually a National highway.......and as we typicall indians are, started commenting on the government.......humare desh ki sarkar bas politics karna jaanti hai.......is desh ka kuch nahin ho sakta.......videsh me dekhon kya mast sadak hoti hain.......etc etc etc. Me was trying to be a part of there conversation because my heart was asking me ki Sumit what have you done for your country......If you have done nothing than who are you to comment on Bad Roads,Electricity problem,Poverty,Population.....actually there is a famous saying ki "Raastey me keechad pada hai to hum Local authorities ke baare me ukta seedha to bol sakte hain but hummein se koi usey saaf karney ki himmat nahin karta" it well suits to all indian citizens (including me) who comments on the bad things going around but never try to take participation in eliminating social evils.......Yehi sab sochte sochte i suddenly felt that i am lossing the fun of my trip.....So inorder to stop further conversatin going in car, i started listening songs.....and wat a gift it was for me i got some good collection of Punjabi songs in a big polybag of cassettes kept by driver in the car......

It was round about 6 am when we reached Har ki paudi in haridwar,our first stoppage...We decided to first of all have a round and than we will go for bath in ganga....But the things i saw there completely demoralised me.....The most sacred place in whole haridwar...the most visited place in India....Har ki Paudi....was completely filled of dirty water,garbage,and the water level was very low....I can see the first stage of Yamuna river in the form of river ganga....Last time when i visited haridwar i was in 9th and i was so mesmerized by the beauty of har ki paudi and the force of water but things changed very quickly but wat else can we do we have no other option left....so we found a place where water was clear and than had a dive in the most sacred river in india.....But that scene remind me a song of a hindi movie

"Ram teri ganga maili ho gayi paapiyon ke paap dhote dhote"

Then we decided to move for Mansa devi.....though there was a trolly service to go temple but we decided to walk (as there was a group of girls walking ahead :D) and after tiring 1.5 hrs and having photo session in between we reached the peak and we had puja there which make me feel that i am a part of the worlds oldest and biggest civilization on earth...A civilization in which we believe that there are 53000 gods reside in a cow....

We reached back to taxi stand at round about 11 am and than we left for mansa devi another very renowned temple situated on the other side of city.....and when we reach there (of course after having breakfast) there was a long pedesterian of 2 Kms to reach the peak where temple is situated...after a long discussion we again decided to go on foot leaving trolly aside.....and my god that decission still give a pain in leg whenever i think about that......after mandir darshan we all immediately decided to go back by trolly as none of has enough power left to go back on foot......

After making ourself comfortable in the car seats we left for rishikesh but we decided to go through the road which goes from the Rajaji National Park.....That 25 km journey was full of adventure and masti as we were cutting jokes on milan sir who was getting scared whenever our car take a steep turn in mountains.....and finally at 4 pm we reach an ashram where we slept for 3 hrs and than we left for market and as happens in small towns the market start getting closed as the clock ticks 8 pm than in return we went to triveni ghat famous as ganga meet there from 3 sides. There we had the most rezenderous moments of the trip.....we sat at the bank of river ganga and we put our legs in river water (so chillled) and had a long and intresting talks while eating groundnuts....And than at 10 pm we were in ashram as the rule was strict there and we have to in Ashram before 10......So in room after having thodi si masti we went for sleep as we have to leave for Neelkanth mahadev early in the morning......

Morning 6 oclock and rajeev throw me from my bed by saying "Good morning Sumit" with a notorious smile and then we decided to go triveni ghat for bath and when our body was in water than we thought that it was not a good decission to come so early (as the water chilled as ice)....

At 10 we left for neelkanth mahadev but for there we hired a taxi as the road was not good to tkae our car and the steep slopes and curves were the another issue.And we were accompanied by two old mans who was from haryana and at 12 we reach neelkanth mahadev where lord shiva comes at the time of Samudra Manthan. After pooja we tried to visit local villages situated just above the temple but the localites inform us that tourists are not allowed to go there..So door se dekh kar hi mann bhar liya

After reaching back to our car we decided to go back delhi and at 12 in nite i was in my flat seeing my photos in mobile...

This trip was full of all kind of tadka like masti,enjoy,pooja and also a lotsssssssss of food....

So i decided to give this trip a name as "Mix trip"

Life is a Play where everyone has to play its part......

2008-10-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

"Memory plays a confusing role....it makes us laugh when we think about the time we cried ......and makes us cry when we think about the time we laugh"

A very famous and well known line.

Hi my name is Sumit and i am a part of that group who while struggling to sutain and survive in the world full of competition trying to find the meaning of life.......

Quite confusing ????? Yeah this is wat i am.....

It was year 1996 when i got admission in D.D Chimmwaal memorial public school situated in Dhikuli a village near by Ramnagar (Nainital)....a new place and a whole new friend circle......

I still rememeber the first day ....How badly i was ragged by my classmates......and my first fight with my classmate.......but slowly and gradually as the time spent those unknown classmates become a part of my daily routines.......that strange looking Mango tree become our favourite hotspot........Where we used to sit and steal amiya from the tree :D.......My first punishment which i got from our most favourite hindi madam due to not bringing hindi book and i was sent out from the class........ And after that day i never forgot to bring hindi book but that is a different scenerio that my friend never come to know how his book automatically comes in his bag after the period is over :P........As the year passed by and we got into class 7th we had to go for marchpast which was more than getting punishment.Gosh that was the only dangerous thing which we bunch of mischief students never wanna try.....But watelse can we do we have to surrender and on every saturday we have to stand in line for marchpast.......The day comes when interhouse activity starts and i was selected in junior football team from bismil house and that was the first time when our house got First rank and due to this we were ahead in points from all other houses.

The days were spent.....the seasons were gone.......but one day when we all friends were sitting on a rock near bairaj .........Suddenly i said hey guys this is our last year 2gether and we all have to move forward leaving all the things here only.........And there was a dead silence....no body was uttering a single word.......And we all spent whole day together.......sometime laughing by cutting jokes and sometimes crying.......And finally the day comes when we all were standing at railway station waiting for there respective trains.........and just after few moments we all were dissapeared.........and station adds a new page in its long book of people in whose life that station plays a role of th e"Place where we got seperated"........each and everytime i visit my hometown via train i still hear the voice of "Abhishek saying Sharma aaj kya kar raha hai"........i still see the fights between narang and kamal...........But what i cant hear and see the that very moment when we got seperated ......I still remember the song of bryan adams which we all use to sing together but with some modifications :

"It was a summer of 1999"